I Don’t Belong—And That’s My Superpower

How the Feeling of Not Belonging can Reveal Your True Mission in Life

I’m what you call a System Buster.

I was never meant to fit in.

And if you’re reading this, maybe you aren’t either.

We’re not here to conform, but to disrupt the current state of the world.

This is what I’ve come to understand:

If you’re not living in alignment with your authentic expression, your highest values, and the truth that is yours to tell, then fitting in with mainstream society will never satisfy you.

Love based on approval isn’t love at all.

This is the story of how my old reality recently fell apart when one of my closest friendships dissolved right in front of my eyes.

This post has been nearly 2 months in the making.

In that time, I’ve gone through every uncomfortable emotion possible.

Necessary for the lens of perception to be cleared so I could see things—and people—as they truly are.

And while this ordeal was painful and unsettling, it ultimately helped me come home to myself.

Losing the Illusion

Life has a way of correcting itself to align you with the truth.

Basing your reality on what people think of you and trying to fit in—instead of honoring the truth of your Being—is a setup for disaster.

I made this fateful mistake.

It all started in the new year when I committed to becoming a professional writer.

There I was, at my desk, writing every day, still feeling a bit unclear as to who I’m writing for and what I’m even writing about.

But the commitment—and a rather large investment in an online writing course—pulled me into alignment with a bigger vision that I hadn’t allowed myself to feel in a while.

I received an inspired vision for my life after my spiritual awakening in 2009.

Since then, I’ve walked my path the best way I know how to align with my higher self.

As I committed to my writing, it catalyzed a feeling of deeper purpose. Consistency gave me more confidence and momentum to continue. I started to find my voice.

My former mentor always said I would find my authority as a writer.

For four months, I lived on a large property in the Mexican countryside with a small community of people.

The rent was cheap, the views were stunning, I lived across from one of my closest friends, and I befriended one of the dogs on the property who became my constant companion.

I thought I had the peace and quiet—and support—I needed to commit to my work.

But one trip to the shared kitchen changed everything.

I was confronted by one of the women living on the property. Her tone was demanding, accusatory, and completely unexpected.

A heated argument ensued.

I was taking a short lunch break between writing sessions. I never imagined this kind of drama at home and such demands being made on my time.

Tensions were high, and looking back, it was all divinely orchestrated.

Our shadow selves needed to be acted out, and our agendas and secrecy needed to be exposed.

The Aftermath

That argument got my full attention.

I spent 2 days emotionally unpacking it and reviewing the soul contracts I had with each person on that property.

And while this situation had the gift of truth contained with it, it violated so many of my internal values that it left me with only one option:

Move off the property and find my own place immediately.

I signed a lease and moved two carloads into my new 1-bedroom apartment that week.

Before leaving, I attempted to have clear conversations with each person on the property and leave in peace.

Then came the betrayal.

Gossip, resentment, and dishonesty had been brewing under the surface of these relationships.

So when I did sit down with my close friend, no matter what I said, I felt like I was in the wrong.

Her opinion of me was formed—and it was not favorable.

I didn’t even get the benefit of the doubt.

This is a person I trusted. Someone I’d given so much energy to already.

Someone who I felt seen by and safe with.

She had felt my heart. We’d shared many good experiences.
And I thought that counted for something.

I allowed myself to be vulnerable with her.
But that ended up being used against me.

I kept saying, “I’m not perfect,” hoping the other person would say, ‘Me neither.’

I gave up trying to manage their perceptions of me.

The Dysfunctional Personality Can Never Succeed

We all have shadows to outgrow.

This experience just happened to shine the light directly on mine.

These defects are not just in me, but in everyone.

The Sufis said:

"The dysfunctional personality is the gateway to the soul."

For me, while that drama shattered one illusion, it opened a door of perception into a new possibility:

One where we root out the corrupt programming in our DNA.

One where we expose the dysfunctional personality for what it is.

One where we see that we are split selves, fundamentally fractured or separated off from our Divinity.

And since we are not in our wholeness, we are trying to relate to one another from our brokenness.

We’re trying to have healthy relationships from our dysfunction—and it will never work!

The Gift in the Wound

That friendship I lost will never be the same.

We will never restore trust if we are operating from our fractured selves.

Sacred friendships & relationships require that we experience inner union first.

That means taking radical responsibility for our actions, reactions, and perceptions.

It means we get honest with ourselves about our flaws and shortcomings, and learn to have compassion for the unloved and rejected parts within us.

Because this lack of self-love keeps us seeking love as approval.

Building a Reality Founded Upon Truth

I believed my friend saw the best in me and loved me unconditionally.

That turned out not to be true. And neither did I have her loyalty.

When her true opinions of me were finally revealed, it felt like an attack on my character rather than a friend speaking with compassion. It hurt me deeply.

Others in the community had withheld their truth too, not sharing their experience of me with me so we could have a conversation to reach an understanding.

My psychological hold on reality began to implode.

The Shock of the New

Like a giant façade crashing down, I could only watch, shocked, and stunned.

My old world was crumbling, and I couldn’t stop it.

I was trying in vain to manage other people’s perceptions of me, caring what they thought of me, instead of just allowing this situation to run its course.

We are all sacred mirrors for one another.

I had to trust that the divine was working to bring the truth to light.

Through this experience of rejection, I had to learn to love, accept, and respect myself.

I had only myself to pick me up.

The Core Wounding

So here’s the golden lining in this story—because anything this life-changing must contain a lesson.

My close friend actually gave me a great gift.

She helped expose a core belief and wound that was secretly running my life.

It was the reason for my anger and frustration in this community.

It was the reason I always felt left out or took things personally when I wasn’t chosen.

But within this wound, I found the remedy.

My close friend repeatedly asked me this question, often with an accusatory tone:

What are you doing for the community?

It wasn’t easy to hear. It stirred up a lot inside.

I decided a while ago to devote myself to building a following online. I wasn’t very active in the local community here in Mexico, and had stopped hosting conscious events due to a lack of participation. Nothing I tried here locally seemed to work.

In the back of my mind, I reasoned:

If I don’t belong in this community, why should I spend my energy creating events for them?

This wound—I don’t belong—justified my withdrawal from local life, even as I poured myself into the online world.

I couldn’t see the error in my ways until this belief was exposed.

It had been running in the background all my life—and it was painful to face.

This belief kept me feeling isolated.

It shaped my attitude, which affected how people related to me.

I became a people pleaser to the few I trusted, giving all I could to receive love.

But that only created a false sense of belonging inside a false reality.

Death of the False Self, Birth of the New

When I learned what my close friend actually thought of me, I was devastated.

It bruised my ego so badly that I had no choice but to change.

This deep suffering and confusion allowed me to fully surrender to my divine nature, remembering who I truly am.

Being able to see the false self and how it operates is key.

When you see the deepest wound (in the form of a belief), it can then become the fire for your spiritual transformation.

I realized something profound in my months of isolation, trying to make sense of this situation:

I learned that I was playing the wrong game.

I was trying to fit into a broken system.

In my Gene Keys studies, I’d been contemplating the sphere of my Life’s Work obsessively.

It has to do with transforming the Shadow of Corruption, leading to the Gift of Equilibrium and eventually bringing the Siddhi of Harmony to the groups I belong to.

My first thought:

‘No, not me. How could this be my life’s work?’

My identity was failing badly.
Just look at the mess I’ve made.
I didn’t seem to be designed for this!

But that’s when it hit me:

The corruption, as Richard Rudd talks about in the Gene Keys, exists at a DNA level.

It’s inherited, ancestral, and primitive—and it’s influencing our behavior.

We’re wired for conflict, while distrust and dishonesty fester in our relationships, stemming from our core wounding patterns.

We can’t escape this.

We can only transcend it.

The corrupt model:

A world of false selves—people fundamentally split off from their core and their divinity—trying to be the best version of themselves while unable to see how their wounding shapes their behavior, sabotages relationships, holds back their true expression, and causes more suffering.

Allow Yourself to Feel it All & Heal

Richard Rudd says in the 55th Gene Key:

“Allow life to crack your heart open through your relationships.”

I know exactly what he means now.

The argument at the property in the Mexican countryside propelled me into my deepest inner journey—into the core wounding pattern that my false self was built upon.

I wasn’t yet living my truth.

I was still trying to be loved in my brokenness, unable to love those parts of me that kept messing up.

I felt like a failure. A loser. An outcast.

And still, I held myself in dignity through the unraveling.

I found compassion for that part of me that tried his best, and I gave him the love he thought he had to earn.

That version of me would have never succeeded in creating healthy relationships and a life he truly loves.

But he tried in earnest. And I must respect that.

His “failed” attempts were always one step closer to surrendering to my Divinity and coming home to Self-Remembrance.

All of this pressure to be acceptable created the inner alchemy necessary for the Diamond of the Self to emerge.

The devastation of my identity offered a space to grieve and eventually heal this split within myself.

I stopped abandoning myself for the approval of others.

I emerged from suffering aligned with my truth:

My purpose isn’t to conform to a broken system.
It’s to embody wholeness, help others remember who they are,
and anchor harmony in every connection we create.

This happens through absolute self-responsibility and self-honesty.

It takes looking at some deeply uncomfortable stuff about oneself.

It’s not pretty. But it’s the only way through.

So I’ll leave you with this:

John DeMartini said:

“If you’re poor, you don’t care about humanity.”

Like my friend asking me what I’m doing for the community, DeMartini is directly pointing to the love in your heart—for yourself and for humanity.

When that love is there, we are inspired to act, create, and collaborate harmoniously.

Oftentimes, it’s our deep wounding that makes us indifferent and even poor!

Our shadow self creates interference patterns in our relationships, causing friction, disharmony, and disagreement with others.

It’s a perpetual state of victim consciousness that keeps us holding back our gifts.

So I ask you…

What belief is causing you to hold your truest expression?

What would happen if you faced that wound?

Afterword

I had to allow the feeling of ‘not belonging’ to gain perspective about my sacred mission.

The deepest wound led me to my deepest gift.

I am not here to fit into a traditional system—a broken model where we lie to ourselves and others for love and approval.

When we accept our whole selves, we come back to wholeness.

From that inner wholeness, a feeling of oneness with humanity is possible.

Then you create from that experience of wholeness, unity, and alignment.

The dysfunctional personality will never create true prosperity.

I see that now.

But here is the final message, and one I want you to take home:

Surrendering the old self will usually look like a crisis.
For this new reality to emerge, something must die for the new to be reborn.
The people closest to you are usually the catalysts for your transformation.

This may sound a bit scary, but to live in alignment with our Divine nature it’s absolutely essential.

Hug your core self.
Keep falling inwards.
Embrace your wounds.
Love yourself back to life.

Allow your new life and new Self to form.

Surrender is not giving up, it’s giving in.
It’s surrendering control.

And learning to trust…

In a higher mission. In a higher timeline.

Turning it over to your Divine Nature…

The one in you who already knows what to do.

You only have to allow it and let yourself be taken into the stream of life.